Do I Have to Leave My Narcissist?
Updated: May 4
The most obvious answer to this question is to leave.
But that is not always easy. Or feasible. And is it the most correct thing to do?
All narcs create a world that is seductively attractive. It is what drew you to your narc in the first place. He gave you security. She gave you meaning. He gave you prestige. She gave you family. Whatever it was that drew you to the narcissist in the beginning is still there: that feeling of power, that he could take care of you, that she could calm you down and keep you out of trouble. He makes you feel safe and accepted. She gives you purpose and comfort.
All of these benefits would be forfeited if you left. Yes, the suffering would be gone, but soon after that, the suffering would be forgotten and all that you would feel would be the emptiness and the longing that were there before you ever got together. That “lack” would not go away, not until you asked for enough insights from the Holy Spirit to see the truth of your needs.
The narcissist does not make it easy to leave. As soon as he senses that your departure may be imminent, his behavior changes drastically. He becomes super nice to you. He does all of the chores that you’ve always asked him to do but has never done before. She listens to you, shows you empathy, and finally pays attention to your preferences. He plans a dream vacation. She buys you gifts that you actually like.
If you do leave, the narcissist becomes pitiful. She apologizes. He pleads. She tells you how much you mean to her, how her life is nothing without you. He tells you how no one could ever make him feel as happy as you do, how you are one-of-a-kind and can never be replaced. All of the words that you have longed to hear for years come spilling out, followed by sincere-sounding promises to change, to do better, to be better, and to treat you better.
This is the change that you have been hoping for! Asking for! Waiting for, all these years! This is the person with the soft, squishy insides that had disappeared for so long, the person you had first met long ago, the person with whom you could truly connect. It would be cruel to leave such a lost, needy, suffering person now.
Even if you manage to leave your narc anyway, what you can look forward to is her wrath. She will turn the kids against you. He will keep the house, the car, the stuff. She will take every asset you own and then some. He will fight you in a long, drawn out battle, for anything and everything that you ever built together. She will drag your name through the mud with the community, the church, the family. He will turn your own parents against you.
Your life will be littered with massive anxiety, loss, and injustice.
Leaving a narcissist is hard. It is possibly the hardest thing that most of us would ever have to do.
So is leaving your narcissist really the best thing? Is it possible to stay with a narcissist but still follow your Lord and Savior? Isn’t marriage sacred and shouldn’t you stay true to your vows?
It takes a very high level of love, a high level of consciousness to be able to live with a narcissist while also growing spiritually. It takes a deep knowledge of who a narcissist is and what he is up to. It takes a deep knowledge of yourself, as well as the correction of the many deep flaws from childhood, in order to keep yourself from needing the narc. Those needs are what keep sucking you into his world of illusion. This degree of growth would be extraordinarily difficult to do while still functioning within her world of control, her world of rewards and punishments.
Even if you were successful, the discomfort and anxiety that your spiritual growth would cause your narc would very quickly overwhelm him. Unless he chooses to grow as well, he would, in all likelihood, leave you instead.
The answer is that, to the best of my knowledge, I cannot currently see a way to remain married to a narcissist and also truly put God first in your life.
A new post reflects new insight on a different option.