Controllers’ Response to Childhood Wounds
Updated: May 4
Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds relationships, and it destroys rather than builds people.” - M. Scott Peck
Others, like the one you selected as a mate, react to their childhood wounding differently. Deep down, he also feels flawed and defective. But he doesn’t try to earn real love. He decides that he doesn’t need love. She creates a face, a mask, of infallibility. She is perfect the way she is.
But he actually does need others. He needs at least one other person to confirm and reflect his self-righteousness. She is actually just as dependent on you as you are on her. Not all of these people are narcissists, but all of them are self-righteous.
Since [narcissists] deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil, on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others. - M. Scott Peck
These people are never really wrong, therefore they never need to change. They never need to grow. They never need to analyze themselves. They offload all of their fear, anger, and sadness onto others, usually you.
And they must keep you close, under their control and behaving in ways that “earn their love.” If you don’t cooperate, you will be punished